“Cuando entra una pareja en la sala de terapia que lleva más de siete años de convivencia/matrimonio, existe una probabilidad de más de un 50% de que uno de los dos, o los dos, hayan tenido relaciones extramatrimoniales/infidelidades”
La infidelidad es uno de los grandes tabúes de nuestra realidad social. Algo que aparentemente la mayoría de la población condena públicamente, pero que sucede con más frecuencia de la que imaginamos.
Antes de continuar con el tema que nos ocupa, me gustaría puntualizar que el objetivo de este artículo no es posicionarse a favor o en contra de la infidelidad, sino ofrecer una reflexión sobre esta realidad soterrada desde el punto de vista de la psicología. Ésta, por definición, está o debería estar exenta de los juicios morales ortodoxos que sirven como guía de la conducta humana.
La psicología se aleja de la dicotomía bueno/malo para adentrarse en las motivaciones de la conducta del individuo y el análisis de las consecuencias que ésta tiene sobre su vida.
Definir la infidelidad es algo complejo, pues para algunas personas la sola atracción por una persona distinta a la propia pareja constituye una infidelidad. Para otras, fantasear con un tercero es legítimo siempre que la fantasía no se lleve a la práctica. La mayoría de las personas consideran que la infidelidad se produce cuando hay un encuentro sexual con otra persona distinta a la pareja. Hay quienes distinguen entre encuentros sexuales con penetración y sin ella. La penetración constituye para muchos una barrera que diferencia la infidelidad. También hay personas para las que la infidelidad reside fundamentalmente en la implicación romántica con un tercero. De esta forma, el denominado “sólo sexo” no constituye una verdadera infidelidad.
Fidelidad y lealtad son conceptos estrechamente ligados. Resulta curioso cómo muchas de las manifestaciones de la deslealtad en la pareja están exentas del rechazo social que se aplica a la infidelidad. Un caso típico es el de la persona que constantemente habla mal de su pareja cuando ésta no está presente, o el abandono emocional por cuestiones de trabajo. A menudo, estas deslealtades son la causa de la infidelidad por parte del que experimenta la deslealtad.
Dentro de los mitos asociados a la infidelidad, encontramos el de que es más habitual en los hombres que en las mujeres. Como contesta el catedrático de psicología social de la UAM José Miguel Fernández Dols en las jornadas “Hombres, mujeres: encuentros y desencuentros/ La psique del amor” acerca de la mayor predeterminación genética de los hombres hacia la infidelidad “El 14% de los niños nacidos en familias estables en la sociedad norteamericana no corresponden genéticamente al padre, es decir, la maternidad es un hecho y la paternidad es una opinión”. J.M Frenández Dols, que dirige el departamento de ciencias afectivas de la UAMse refiere a los famosos estudios de Nicole Gerlach en la Universidad de Indiana.
El cine se ha ocupado de normalizar la infidelidad femenina, asociándola a grandes historias de amor en las que el espectador comprende y perdona los sentimientos de la protagonista. Tal es el caso de filmes comoa’‘Casablanca ‘Los puentes de Madison’ y ‘El paciente inglés’.
Las personas que acuden a terapia habiendo tenido una relación extramatrimonial lo hacen generalmente con un alto grado de ansiedad, confusión y sentimientos de culpa.
La mayoría de los psicoterapeutas coinciden en que la infidelidad es un indicador de que algo en la relación de pareja no funciona bien. Ello explica la alta tasa de infidelidad, puesto que es habitual que una pareja de larga duración pase por malos momentos.
La infidelidad suele darse cuando no es posible satisfacer dentro de la pareja las necesidades de intimidad, comprensión, conexión emocional o reconocimiento, que guardan amplia relación con la sexualidad de la pareja. Los conflictos no resueltos, que generan enfado prolongado en el tiempo, suelen ser uno de los elementos desencadenantes de la infidelidad. La no resolución del conflicto puede ser consecuencia de la evitación de éste o de la ausencia de estrategias adecuadas para resolverlo. La infidelidad es una forma de herir al cónyuge o vengarse de él, incluso aunque éste no llegue a enterarse de lo ocurrido.
Es frecuente que la persona que comete la infidelidad, hombre o mujer, no se sienta deseada dentro de su relación y cuando se encuentra con alguien que reafirma su feminidad/masculinidad incurra en una relación extramatrimonial. La lectura social de esta situación es la más condenatoria pues considera que la búsqueda del sexo fuera de la pareja es “vicio”, cuando lo que está en juego es la autoestima.
La bibliografía acerca del asunto que nos ocupa, aunque escasa, recoge la mayor probabilidad de relaciones fuera de la pareja en determinadas situaciones:
- la existencia de relaciones extramatrimoniales en la familia de origen
- la pérdida de un hijo
- la muerte de los padres
- la enfermedad de la pareja
- la marcha de los hijos del hogar
- en el caso de los hombres, la espera del primer hijo y la crisis de la madurez (entre los 40 y los 50 años)
Paradójicamente, puede darse el caso de que la infidelidad mantenga la relación de pareja, puesto que compensa al infiel de las carencias en la relación. El hecho de que la infidelidad sea un elemento mantenedor de la relación no es necesariamente positivo, pues puede ser un obstáculo para separarse de una pareja con la que se es infeliz. Si bien, en ocasiones, puede ser una alternativa a la separación en un momento difícil.
Coincido con Antte Kreuz y David Moultrup en que “es virtualmente imposible que una relación sana, con o sin matrimonio, se pueda mantener a lo largo del tiempo, a pesar del impacto que crea la implicación con otra persona fuera de la pareja. Por definición, una relación extramatrimonial crea un déficit en el nivel de intimidad que resulta malsana y tiene un efecto profundo y negativo sobre los individuos, el matrimonio y los niños de la familia”.
Por tanto, atendiendo al nivel de la salud, cuando la infidelidad se sostiene en el tiempo creando relaciones paralelas que no se resuelven hacia ninguno de los dos lados, todos los miembros implicados (incluyendo los hijos, si los hay y aunque no sean conocedores de la situación) sufren directamente o de manera vicaria.
Recomendaciones de interés general:
Recomendaciones Literarias para psicólogos y psicoterapeutas:
Esta publicación ha sido elaborada por Celia Arroyo y publicada en Instituto Palacios de Salud de la Mujer.
Foto: (CC BY) Rehan Jamil – DSC_1787-1.
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